SCOTUS: Monster Zero

Every SCOTUS season, I feel like I’m watching extremely strange ESPN commentary. The commentary hasn’t changed in decades, but the players change.  What is currently being written about Justice Breyer was once written about Justice Ginsburg, for example. ’70s fashion eventually becomes Gen Z fashion. The circle of life continues.

I decided to combine my love of monster movies with my love of SCOTUS commentary. All SCOTUS commentary can be put into similar commentary about any monster. As an example, I’ll use Monster Zero, King Ghidorah.   Each paragraph is a separate take on the monster’s activities.

Pack the court: If only Monster Zero had more heads, I think it would turn toward good. After all, we’ve only seen King Ghidorah with three heads.  Expanding the number of heads will cause it to change its institutional structure and turn toward providing freedom for all Americans.

Retire, Justice Breyer: If only the middle head of Monster Zero were lopped off, it would be replaced by a younger and more human-friendly head.

If only Godzilla hadn’t bitten the one head off and if only the Merrick Garland head had grown as well, this would be a much different and friendlier King Ghidorah.

The Influence of the Federalist Society: I think Monarch Corporation has too much control over how the heads of King Ghidorah grow. Are they influencing the heads to think in one direction versus another? The process is quite opaque.

The Monarch Corporation will be holding a panel discussion, “Why Out-of-Control Monsters Are Good for America.”

Panel includes:

• Cass Sunstein, “All Ghidorah Needs Is a Little Nudge”
• Adrian Vermeule, “Common-Good Monsterism”
• Josh Hawley, “Why Ghidorah Is Obviously a Communist”
• Ted Cruz, “Why Ghidorah Never Visits Cancun”
• John Lott, “More Guns, Less Ghidorah”

Predictions: King Ghidorah declined to knock down the Roe house today. That means it likely won’t tomorrow, either.

Commentators predicted that King Ghidorah would attack Arlene’s Flower Shop today. But he didn’t. I guess that shows people were wrongly concerned about Monster Zero.

Observing Alliances and Divisions: I personally think King Ghidorah acted very conservatively when he only smashed three of the buildings. This was obviously the influence of the middle head.

The heads of King Ghidorah don’t always agree. See the 1-1-1 split? Yeah, they are in equal voting blocks as they destroy Tokyo.

In a surprise twist, Head 2, which usually attacks with Head 1, opted to join Head 3 while Head 1 attacked alone.

Despite claims of partisan divisions, the heads of King Ghidorah act with surprising unanimity.

Driven by a two-thirds head majority, King Ghidorah attacks California, ignoring Arizona.

King Ghidorah’s actions have been so surprising, given the left head and the right head agreed with greater frequency. This perhaps signals the Monster’s desire to speak as one body.

Reform: A bipartisan commission has been formed to determine whether it would be useful to create a Mecha-Ghidorah, or perhaps have Godzilla assure a mandatory retirement age for each head.

Personally, I think if there were cameras closer to Ghidorah’s activity, we’d be better able to predict its behavior.

***

Don’t get me wrong, it’s all fun and good to read. But I can’t help but notice that we forget that the INSTITUTION continues, and one wonders what the path of that institution is. We can focus on the heads of Monster Zero all we want, but that body seems to continue in one direction. And the reluctance of some of the heads to go along gives all the more credibility to the body as it destroys Tokyo. Hey, at least some of the heads felt conflicted about it, right?

---

LawProfBlawg is an anonymous professor at a top 100 law school. You can see more of his musings here. He is way funnier on social media, he claims. Please follow him on Twitter (@lawprofblawg). Email him at [email protected].