Government

Rudy Giuliani Tries To Pay Mounting Legal Fees One Awkward Birthday Greeting At A Time

Cameo becomes Giuliani's next trick.

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(Screenshot via Cameo)

Having been stiffed by the former president, looking at a flopped Gofundme, and without a Biglaw job as a safety net, Rudy Guiliani has to find some way to pay the legal fees piling up in those pesky criminal probes he’s landed in. Where is a guy to turn when the Eastern European lobbying… er… “consulting” dries up?

Apparently, the answer is Cameo.

Rudy Giuliani announced on Twitter that he would be joining Cameo, offering his surely deeply thought out and personal greetings for $400 a pop (which is up from $199 the day before this story… do with that information what you will). And you thought Biglaw billing rates were unjustified.

But Rudy isn’t expecting people to shell out that kind of money without offering us a sample of just how seriously he takes his new job. His Cameo page — which you really should check out — offers some demo videos.

Folks, they are a journey.

First, we have a birthday greeting to “Molly,” who we’re told has a beautiful voice and a podcast. At this point, Rudy pivots to explaining that, as it happens, he TOO has a podcast. Fully a third of the message is then dedicated to laying out how to subscribe to “Rudy’s Common Sense” podcast. The Cameo game seems a little fuzzy to me, but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to be a sales pitch. If I wanted to spend money just to hear someone else’s sales pitch, at least promise me a time share!

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Our second birthday greeting is for “Joe,” who eats too much Wendy’s and tries to meet pretty girls doing beach yoga. Sounds like a guy who really has his shit together. You know you’re winning at life when your friends are asked to sum you up as a human being for the benefit of a disgraced politician and all they can come up with is “he likes Baconators and being a creep.” Oh, he also has bad taste in quarterbacks, which Rudy doesn’t understand because fantasy football seems lost on him.

Only a 20-second plug for Rudy’s Common Sense this time! Did you know it’s free to subscribe?

Rudy’s also got pep talks! He gives “Johnny” a congratulatory message as he enters his first year at NYU with a dream of eventually becoming a lawyer. To be fair, this is Rudy’s best Cameo because he earnestly approaches it like the deadbeat uncle you haven’t talked to in years who just showed up at your graduation party. Giuliani shares his story about going to NYU for law school, “which I’m sure you’ll see every day on the way to class… Hayden Hall.” Hayden is a dorm, but whatever. Also, I went to NYU for law school and there was nothing to suggest Giuliani went there… and he was inexplicably popular back then.

But he really does offer useful advice and encouragement mixed with the usual platitudes. As for being a lawyer, he explains that “there are a lot so many different ways to be a lawyer, you can be a trial lawyer, a commercial lawyer, a business lawyer”… or you can be a farting your way through a bogus election challenge kind of lawyer. The world is your oyster!

Unfortunately, Johnny will never learn how to subscribe to Rudy’s Common Sense because it slipped Giuliani’s mind this time.

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“Andre” gets a 50th birthday message from “Alexandria.” She didn’t fill out the form very well because Rudy’s got absolutely nothing to work with here other than how old the guy is. But pop in a vague “you’re as young as you want to be” reference

Finally, “Rich” has retired and gets a call from America’s Dingbat Mayor. Ole Rich is moving to Florida and hates cancel culture. Of course he does. Rudy takes this opportunity to say that people from the Northeast are moving to Florida because of Democrats as opposed to year-round summer weather.

While we assume Giuliani signed up for Cameo thinking he was locking down a cameo in a major motion picture, only later learning that the platform is the “Total Landscaping” of bit movie parts, we certainly wish him the best in his new endeavor. And if you ever want to let a friend know about Rudy’s Common Sense, it’s just a $275 investment away.

HeadshotJoe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.

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