DOJ Files Ballroom Brief That Reads Like Truth Social Post — Because Trump Probably Wrote It

Back in 2024, during Donald Trump’s New York civil fraud trial, Trump’s legal team — spearheaded by former Foley & Lardner partner Chris Kise — sent a number of emails to the judge asking for the unusual accommodation that Trump be allowed to deliver remarks as part of his closing argument. And when you read through those emails, you can sort of pinpoint a moment where it seemed as though the man with an actual law degree stopped drafting the correspondence and turned it over to a rapidly deteriorating dementia patient. It was right around the point where the emails stopped using phrases like “fraught with ambiguities” and started demanding that Trump be allowed “to speak about the things that must be spoken about.”

We bring up this episode, because yesterday, the Department of Justice filed a Rule 62.1 motion asking Judge Richard Leon for an indicative ruling that he’ll dissolve his preliminary injunction stalling the White House ballroom project. While signed by Associate Attorney General Stanley Woodward and featuring the Keystone Kops signature block of Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche and Principal Associate Attorney General Trent McCotter, it’s almost impossible to believe anyone licensed to practice law wrote this document. It arrives hot on the heels of Assistant Attorney General Brett Shumante’s opportunistic letter demanding the National Trust for Historic Preservation, the plaintiff in the ballroom case, voluntarily drop the suit it’s winning in light of the failed attack on the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

The Trust did not oblige.

Bringing us to this filing. “It’s not the most pressing crisis this country faces but I cannot get over the fact that a qualification for being a top lawyer at the DOJ now is apparently being functionally illiterate,” Jay Willis of Balls & Strikes remarked. “This shit reads like a seventh grader wrote it. What are we doing here man.”

Given that it’s not the most pressing crisis, but it is incredibly embarrassing, this is exactly what we at Above the Law stand ready to break down. And any illusion that Trump didn’t compose broad swaths of this motion is dispelled right off the bat:

“The National Trust for Historic Preservation” is a beautiful name, but even their name is FAKE because when they add the words “in the United States” to the National Trust for Historic Preservation, it makes it sound like a Governmental Agency, which it is not.

Sentence one! Sentence one of a federal court filing signed by the Department of Justice triumvirate of torpidity includes a wholly unnecessary “beautiful” and an all caps “FAKE,” rising to a crescendo circling a syntactic cul-de-sac where the writer loses track of the antecedent.

Did Todd Blanche learn this expert wordsmithing at Cadwalader?

If we must quibble with Willis, he has an unduly dim view of seventh graders. Indeed, we’ve scientifically clocked Trump’s output at a fourth-grade reading level.

In fact, the United States refused to continue funding it in 2005 because they strongly disagreed with their mission and objectives.

It. The United States is an “it.” I know these people don’t understand pronouns, but this is ridiculous. In addition to being grammatically accurate, using the proper pronoun here would avoid the confusion of starting the next sentence with “they” shifting without any marker to the Trust. For the record, the Trust should also be an “it.”

They are very bad for our Country. They stop many projects that are worthy, and hurt many others. In this case, they are trying to stop one that is vital to our National Security, and the Safety of all Presidents of the United States, both current and future, their families, staff, and Cabinet members.

Random and incorrect capitalization? BY GOD THAT’S DONALD TRUMP’S MUSIC!

But this did not deter them because they suffer from Trump Derangement Syndrome, commonly referred to as TDS, as noted by Democrat Senator John Fetterman, of Pennsylvania, and are represented by the lawyer for Barack Hussein Obama, Gregory Craig.

Friends, this is still the first page. Even if you’re compromising your professional credibility as lawyers to spit out the nonsense the client dictates, at least write “Trump Derangement Syndrome (‘TDS’).” Have some self-respect. Fetterman makes a surprise cameo as the man who routinely appears on cable news to declare that he suffered severe brain injury and it made him conservative — and somehow Republicans fail to see how that might look bad for them. And, of course, Barack Hussein Obama — no “president,” yes “Hussein” — joins the dramatis personae because everything is about Barack Obama with these yahoos.

The lower section of the building does not work without the upper section and, likewise, the upper section of the building does not work without the lower. It is all one highly integrated unit! As an example, one venting system, one electrical system, one plumbing system, one security system, one air conditioning and heating system, one elevator connector and, very importantly, one structural steel and enforced concrete system — and more. Even the bullet proof windows and glass, and the heavy steel, drone proof roof, protect what is below. 

And a thermal exhaust port no more than two meters wide. Pivoting to another bit of sci-fi imagery from the last century, make sure you read the second sentence in the Big Brother voice from the Apple ad. This account is, what we in the business would call “legally irrelevant.” The crux of the lawsuit is that Trump can’t unilaterally demolish and rebuild national monuments without congressional approval. This proves that something has to sit atop this bunker, but does nothing to establish that it has to be a gaudy ballroom, much less this architectural monstrosity. And, of course, is silent on why the president gets to unilaterally decide any of this.

With such a facility, it would have been impossible for an attack like that which took place last Saturday evening in D.C. when an attempted assassin, armed with a shotgun, pistol, and knives, charged through a security checkpoint at the Washington Hilton in an attempt to assassinate President Donald J. Trump, First Lady Melania Trump, and members of the President’s Cabinet and senior staff, during the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

There’s a lot wrong with this, including the oft-noted fact that the Correspondents’ Dinner is not an official event and the president doesn’t have to attend if he doesn’t want to, but as Matt Szafranski pointed out yesterday, the proposed ballroom IS NOT BIG ENOUGH TO HOST THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS’ DINNER. The WHCD typically draws over 2,500 attendees. The Trump ballroom project claims to accommodate 999 people. Why is no one else pointing this out?

Three assassination attempts—including the attempt in Butler, Pennsylvania, where an assassin’s bullet hit the President’s ear—is enough.

Oh, I see what you did there! A little nod to Buck v. Bell and “three generations of imbeciles are enough.” Just without matching verb tense.

In addition, in the long and storied history of the White House dating back to 1791, Congress has never dictated or tampered with the zoning, permitting, or architectural aspects of any Project, especially one being given FREE OF CHARGE AS A GIFT TO THE COUNTRY!

Is the ballroom an essential part of national security or a gift? Because it seems irresponsible to have a vital national security project crowdfunded by wealthy donors.

Alas, it is not free of charge anyway, despite this capitalization. As the New York Times reports, Trump is handing out secret no-bid contracts to the construction company working on the ballroom to pay them millions and millions over estimates for other projects. Though, in light of the WHCD attack, this Congress will probably go ahead and greenlight taxpayer funds anyway.

Without such a location, the President is thus put to the choice of risking his safety by attending events in unsecure venues—be it the tents on the White House lawn, or places like the Washington Hilton (which is now home to two attempted presidential assassinations)—or forgoing those events entirely—to the detriment of his constitutional responsibility to “speak[] to and on behalf of the American people,” Trump v. United States, 603 U.S. 593, 617-618 (2023).

He can’t attend events in tents on the White House lawn? So… where does Trump plan to watch this?

That’s the UFC match the official White House account claims Trump will place on the White House lawn. I guess maybe he’ll watch from the window of his ballroom? Is Trump now committing not to hang out in tents on the Ellipse to coordinate the next assault on the Capitol? That might be a nice fringe benefit for the country.

If any other President had the ability, foresight, or talents necessary, to build this ballroom, which will be one of the greatest, safest, and most secure structures of its kind anywhere in the World, there would never have been a lawsuit. But, because it is DONALD J. TRUMP, a highly successful real estate developer, who has abilities that others don’t, especially those who assume the Office of President, this frivolous and meritless lawsuit was filed. Again, it’s called TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME. 

I believe we defined the term as TDS earlier.

While Trump enjoys describing himself in a manner best described as Pyongyang-chic, it doesn’t have to make its way into filings. But that’s the nature of a Department of Justice staffed by lawyers who have sacrificed their oaths to the Constitution and styled themselves as Trump’s personal lawyers — which, it’s worth noting, both Blanche and Woodward were before this.

But it’s also why state licensing authorities remain the final defense of the profession. Trump might have dictated this brief, but these lawyers slapped their names on it. These are the lawyers who signed their credibility away to a brief that raises serious questions about their ability to competently practice law. They allowed the president turn federal courts into amateur hour, a decision that would raise ethical questions if they were placing their client’s whims over their professional experience and judgment. But on top of that, the president is not, in fact, the Department’s client. The DOJ is supposed to represent the United States and place its interests above the White House’s current occupant.

Or “their” interests since we’ve just abandoned grammar.

Earlier: Good Job DOJ, Now The Conspiracy Theorists Have A Point
The Hilariously Stupid Emails Between Trump’s Lawyer & The Judge Over His Closing Argument Request
Disbar Them All: The Only Accountability Left For Trump’s Lawyers

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Joe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter or Bluesky if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.