John J. Altorelli

* Congratulations to Loretta Lynch, who later today should be confirmed as the first African-American woman to serve as attorney general. [CNN]

* And congrats to baseball star Barry Bonds, whose obstruction of justice conviction just got overturned by the Ninth Circuit. [How Appealing]

* Dewey turned DLA Piper partner John Altorelli, alleged former paramour of Russian spy Anna Chapman, is back in the news — JP Morgan Chase accuses him of lying about his assets in his pending personal bankruptcy case. [American Lawyer]

* The many debaters-turned-lawyers out there might enjoy this look at the college debate career of presidential hopeful Ted Cruz. [New York Times]

* A satirical “killing Jews is his jihad” ad can’t be kept out of New York mass transit, per Judge John Koeltl (S.D.N.Y.). [ABA Journal]

* Retired General David Petraeus is expected to plead guilty later today to a misdemeanor charge of mishandling Paula Broadwell classified materials. [Washington Post]

* U.S. Supreme Court justices are getting grumpier, according to interesting research discussed by Paul Barrett. [Bloomberg View via How Appealing]

* With the U.S. Supreme Court about to decide the constitutionality of gay-marriage bans, what’s next for opponents of marriage equality? [New York Times]

* Standing up for “religious freedom” bills, for one thing — which is what Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is doing, telling corporations that plan to “bully[]” his state, “Save your breath.”
[New York Times]

Check out the magnificent mansion that helped drive a rainmaker into bankruptcy.

How does a rainmaker earning millions of dollars a year wind up in personal bankruptcy?

* An “America’s Next Top Model” contestant sued Tyra Banks, claiming she was disqualified from the title because Banks found out she had worked as an escort. You’re looking for people who can walk back and forth in heels over and over. Who did you think was trying out for the show? [Courthouse News Service]

* Dewey know which DLA Piper department head just declared personal bankruptcy? [New York Times]

* Coming soon to the hipster haven near you: the artisanal attorney. Hilarious satirical piece by John Frank Weaver. [McSweeney’s]

* Are you getting married? Are you planning to change your name? Huge mistake. The name part at least. Maybe the married part, I don’t know your deal. [The American Lawyer]

* The Onion surveys the reaction to the Columbia Law exam policy. [The Onion]

* You can’t force welfare recipients to get drug tests. Which was kind of obvious but still required a court to weigh in. [Pathologyblawg]

* A New York judge allegedly stroked his secretary’s face, forced her to give him hugs, and regaled her with explicit tales of sex with his mistress. [New York Post]

* There’s a wealth of information in this post about the ABA 509 Information Reports. Keith Lee does a year-over-year comparison of the top ten and bottom ten schools, looking for trends. [Associate’s Mind]

* A BC government official has revoked approval of a law school based upon a pledge to discriminate against “the gays.” [Trinity Western University]

* John Altorelli, the finance lawyer who allegedly had an affair with sexy Russian spy Anna Chapman, is indeed screwed — he’s the second former Dewey & LeBoeuf partner to file for personal bankruptcy in the wake of the firm’s collapse. [American Lawyer]

* Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who had a heart procedure on Wednesday, left the hospital yesterday and should be back on the bench on Monday. [CNN]

* Canada’s newest Supreme Court justice, Suzanne Cote, is no stranger to the spotlight; she’s worked on high-profile cases like the investigation into Justice Lori Douglas (of nude photo fame). [How Appealing]

* Michele Roberts, leading litigatrix and former Skadden partner, is settling into her new job as executive director of the National Basketball Players Association. [New York Times]

* Newly released deposition testimony from Bill Cosby will probably only worsen his PR woes. [Associated Press]

* Stuck in the office today with nothing to do? Take this fun exercise to test your punctuation and copy-editing skills, designed by Bryan A. Garner. [ABA Journal]

In the aftermath of Dewey, where have the pieces of this former empire landed?

When you think about it, attorneys and spies have very similar jobs...

* Many have compared the possible outcome of the gay marriage cases to the Roe v. Wade decision, saying that constitutionalizing the right to gay marriage will create a similar culture war. Relax, bro, your bigotry is showing. You won’t be any less married if everyone has equal rights, promise. [New York Times]

* Everyone thought Justice Kennedy was going to be the deciding voice in the Obamacare case, and that didn’t happen, but when it comes to the future of gay marriage, in the words of RuPaul, Kennedy’s got the right amount of “charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent” to save the day (at least as far as California’s Proposition 8 is concerned). [Sacramento Bee]

* Meanwhile, people waiting in line outside of the Supreme Court in the hopes of grabbing one of the 50 seats reserved for the public like it’s a Black Friday sale outside of Walmart. Unemployed law grads, just think, you could be getting paid to sleep outside in a tent right now! [The Caucus / New York Times]

* Modern-day legal education is a “failure” in the eyes of this Supreme Court justice. Now don’t get it twisted, Scalia wasn’t referring to the post-graduate employment crisis that we’ve all come know and loathe — he just thinks we need fewer “law and [insert bullsh*t here]“ classes. [Portsmouth Herald]

* Dewey know when we’ll be able to retire this punny phrasing? Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight because more than a dozen former partners (including John Altorelli of spy-shagging fame) are still clinging to their claims that the failed firm’s estate owes them money. [Am Law Daily]

* Seeing as Widener’s motion to dismiss as to its allegedly deceptive job statistics was denied, it looks like there’s still time to rally behind the law school litigation cause. Someone on Team Strauss/Anziska needs to go all William Wallace and inspire more would-be plaintiffs to sue. [Law 360 (sub. req.)]

What should law students who were scheduled to be working at Dewey & LeBoeuf do now?

An internal memo urges partners at Dewey & LeBoeuf to seek "alternative opportunities." Yikes....

* California is cutting prisons. That’s step one. Step two is to shuttle all the prisoners to Los Angeles. Step three involves a series of earthquakes… [McClatchy] * Private equity billionaire Stephen Schwarzman isn’t into 50 Shades of Grey (affiliate link). But David Lat apparently is. I dunno, if you are going to bother with that kind of stuff, you might as well hit Brazzers and get it over with. [Dealbreaker] * I’m all for making sure that the Violence Against Women reauthorization prevents violence against women, not annoyances against women, or criticism against women. [The Volokh Conspiracy] * Speaking of violence against women, I never blame the victim, but dating gun-toting dumbasses rarely helps matters. [Legal Blog Watch] * @chrisdanzig: Stop bullying Obama @realjonlovitz. Leave him alone. Leave Obama alone! [Huffington Post] * What do Vladimir Putin and former Dewey partner John Altorelli allegedly share in common? [New York Post]

Dewey know how to do the partnership's taxes? Some D&L partners are confused by the updated K-1 tax forms issued to them by the firm. And, speaking of Dewey partners, defections continue....

Dewey need lifeboats? Partners continue to jump ship, as the firm tries to block the exits....

A former Dewey & LeBoeuf partner kisses and tells -- about his time at the firm, not his alleged affair with a sexy Russian spy.

What's going on with Dewey defections? And restated financial results? And overseas offices?