Gay Marriage, Pornography, Pro Se Litigants, Technology

Apple Porn Guy Wants To Marry His Porn-Filled Computer

‘Hey Girl, I can’t go out tonight, but maybe we can Skype.’ Chris Sevier / Model Mayhem

Our old friend Chris Sevier is back and wackier than ever. Sevier, you may recall, is the lawyer (or at least Vandy law grad) who filed suit against Apple for building a computer that let him get addicted to porn so very easily. The complaint was 50 pages long and riddled with tirades and typos. It was all good fun. In the end, the remedy Sevier sought was basically a nanny state — a hot nanny state, with a schoolgirl uniform and daddy issues.

Anyway, with marriage equality cases bubbling up across the country, it was only a matter of time before Sevier said, “Hey, I’m litigious and enjoy drafting frivolous filings about sex stuff!” And with that, he filed to intervene in Florida’s ongoing marriage equality case on the compelling argument that his rights needed to be heard.

Specifically, his right to marry the love of his life: his computer.

I’m assuming if the Florida judge allowed that, Sevier’s wedding would have to feature a toast by Apple telling everyone how the couple met.

Well, we have Sevier’s latest tour de force. Let’s take a look….

Judge Robert Hinkle has put the kibosh on Sevier’s efforts to fight for the rights of everyone to marry their computers (I mean, the State of New York lets you marry realistic holograms). But that shouldn’t stop us from marveling at the mockery of the legal system that is this filing.

Sevier wants in the gay marriage debate because, he argues, other classes of sexual orientation are being left out:

Respectfully, I am here to, in effect, make the Federal Court’s “put up or shut up” about expansion of the equal protection clause to include “sexual orientation.” “Sexual orientation” classification has never existed, until President Obama said that it does in advancing his social agenda to make America a “gay nation.” Ever since one state in the union legalized “same-sex marriage,” a proverbial “crack in the damn” has been created, so that now all states are forced to, despite the majority’s decision to band same-sex marriage. Now proponents of same sex marriage have mobilized in multiple states — acting in concert — to force down their will down the throats of the voting majority so they can feel less ashamed of their life-style.

First of all, it’s good to see that his rage with Apple still extends to not investing in a spelling and grammar check. That means typos abound. Especially when your addiction forces you to draft all your documents one-handed. Second, gays are forcing their will down our throats. Oh! I get it.

Make no mistake, despite providing 16 detailed instances of people marrying inanimate objects — most of which I presume are mischaracterized — Sevier isn’t really interested in marrying his computer as much as he’s interested in using his microcelebrity to parrot the tired bulls**t we all pay Rick Santorum to spout. Because remember, Chris Sevier loves him some Duck Dynasty.

Who is to say that a person cannot “love” their dog more than one of the Plaintiffs “loves” a member of the same-sex? If the Plaintiffs can marry a person of the same sex, then others should have the right to marry their dog, pillow, blowup doll, computer, and any other object they can have sex with and want to marry.

I suppose it’s thinking “love” is a two-way street and in the latter case there’s another human being involved in making a consensual decision. There’s pretty good traction on that slippery slope.

Or maybe not. Because Sevier drops some science about just how “real” those gay relationships are:

Proponents of gay behavior had made the choice to have sex with members of the same sex, and due to the straight forward science of dopamine, they have become bonded together with a person of the same sex upon repeated orgasm, naturally developing a preference that they argue is worth having state recognition and ratification.

Thankfully, Judge Hinkle offered a concise take on the motion:

Chris Sevier has moved to intervene, apparently asserting he wishes to marry his computer. Perhaps the motion is satirical. Or perhaps it is only removed from reality. Either way, the motion has no place in this lawsuit.

And then suggested that Sevier got very, very close to contempt for trying to pass himself off as speaking for the actual Plaintiffs when he filed another document that Judge Hinkle has blocked. Sevier needs to be careful.

Florida prisons have notoriously bad Wifi.

Sevier’s complete motion, in all its insane and typo-filled glory, is available on the next page. In particular, enjoy all 16 tales of non-traditional marriage that Sevier cobbled together.

Judge Hinkle’s order denying Sevier’s motion is also available….

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