Media and Journalism, Small Law Firms

What To Do When You Are the Lead Story On Above The Law

If you’re in SmallLaw and are responsible for landing your own clients, negative publicity is a serious problem. What do you do?

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vomitWow, what a night! Saw the game with my buddies at the big sports bar, the game was close, we were doing shots, the team pulled it out in overtime, it was awesome. Then I had to go to this charity gala that the firm had tickets for, and they seated me right next to this elderly lady who didn’t work at the firm and didn’t know a thing about sports. The waiters just wanted to give me wine, but I insisted that I needed a Manhattan, since we had been drinking whisky at the sports bar. People at the table started telling me to quiet down, but they didn’t understand I wasn’t going to suddenly change to wine now, at 8 o’clock in the evening, when I had been drinking since 1:30, and it’s been five minutes and I still don’t have my Manhattan. I really can’t believe how little this lady knows about football.

I think the salmon they served me was undercooked because I’m starting to feel a little sick. (Why did they serve fish anyway? Fish doesn’t go with whiskey.) Now I feel a little more sick. Uh-oh. I needed somewhere to throw up. I can’t make it out of this room in time, so what can I do? Maybe under the table… Everyone is listening to the speaker, and it’ll just be a minute. Oh no, that attracted way more attention than I thought. Why do I have to leave? I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to stand up right now. Hey, why are you grabbing my arms? Where are you taking me?

And then the next morning I woke up to 27 text messages telling me I was the lead story on Above the Law. Mid-Level Associate Throws Up During Charity Event, Gets Puke on Philanthropist Widow.

I made that up — sadly, my weekend was not ATL-worthy — but people do all kinds of embarrassing things all the time, especially lawyers. Reading Above the Law stories about the latest stupid thing an associate or partner or judge did is fun. And informative, in terms of how to stay out of legal-ethics trouble. And sometimes even uplifting: I’ll be having a bad day, and think man, at least didn’t do what this latest person did to end up in Above the Law. From email scandals, to allegations of sex for legal services, to judges peeing in the street, I could fill a column on the stupid things attorneys have done, even just this year.

But this isn’t that column. This column is about what to do now. A story about you is out there, everyone can find it, and if you’re in SmallLaw and are responsible for landing  your own clients, it’s a serious problem. What do you do?

Get a lot out there. You need to flood the internet with stories about you. Do volunteer work. Lots and lots of volunteer work. I mean, every weekend, as long as the organization has a website where they post pictures of volunteers with their names. People who Google you will think, well, Gary had that one night when he threw up on that philanthropist widow, but look at all these pictures of him in soup kitchens! Maybe that was just a bad night and he’s turned over a new leaf. When you’re thinking about volunteering somewhere, you need to ask the organization: Will there be cameras? Press? An AP reporter? Maybe you could even hire a cameraperson and be your own reporter. Whatever, just get so much on the internet that that story is just one search engine hit among many.

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Change your name. Those of you who have read my columns before know I like to throw some not-so-serious entries into my listicles, but I do actually know someone who has done this. Years ago, a former co-worker made a decision that may have beneficial in the short-term, but now when someone Googles her, before you even finish typing her name, Google will prompt you with not only the rest of her last name but also a certain well-known men’s magazine. And of course, if you happen to be the one typing in her name, what are you going to do? Not look?  (And if you ever worked with me, yep, I’m talking about where we worked. The person is there. Start Googling everyone. Be prepared for them to Google you.) She changed her name and it solved the problem. People can always assume you had some 24-hour marriage and divorce in Vegas and decided to keep the last name. Or when people ask, you could say something like, “that was my slave name,” and look at the person all angry, which is probably going to shut down any further questions. However you go about doing it, changing your name will go a long way towards dissociating your present self with whatever story about you is out there.

Build up your résumé. Start getting published wherever you can. Doesn’t have to be a law review, and in fact, a popular website such as Inc. or Forbes or InsideCounsel may rank higher on search results than a journal. Start teaching CLEs. Adjunct somewhere that will post a bio of you online. Whatever, just start packing the accomplishments into your résumé. You need to overwhelm people with accomplishments and activities, so that the one night that caused you to end up on ATL looks trivial.

Get advice on how to respond. Above the Law will not take down the story or remove your name from the story (see the editor’s note below), but they will be happy to update the story with your statement (or a snippet of the statement, if your statement is too long). Don’t trust yourself to compose something that’s going to be attached to the story forever. Have someone read it, no matter how embarrassing it might be. If you’re too embarrassed to approach your friends, hire someone who handles this stuff for a living. You might think, who am I, Paris Hilton? I ain’t hiring no PR person. Years later, that $500 or $1,000 or whatever a PR person would charge to look over (or draft) your statement might seem like a trivial event. Don’t mess around. How would my statement read? Maybe, “If they had served steak instead of salmon, everything would have been fine. It could have happened to anyone. And that lady didn’t know anything about football.” That sounds okay, right? I don’t need any PR person.

Be proud. It’s all attitude. Start bragging about it. Say, “Hey, I got so tanked one night that I threw up on a philanthropist widow at a charity dinner.” Then turn to the person interviewing you and say, “What’s the worst that you’ve done?”

Start counseling others. It’s a tried-and-true strategy for people who gain notoriety to then turn around and use their notoriety to counsel others who find themselves in similar situations. Being a lawyer, you’re already perfectly positioned to counsel others. Even if you’re a securities lawyer or an energy lawyer or something completely unrelated, add it to your bio. “Mr. Ross also counsels clients who are the subject of negative publicity.” The random reader of the bio might think, “hmm, that’s odd,” but it might sound good to someone Googling you who has already read the embarrassing story and is trying to decide whether to hire you or not.

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Do something that’s even worse. Tired of everyone talking about your crazy night at the charity dinner? Want them to move on to something else? Start getting creative. There are a lot of things you can do that are far worse. Write a blog post denying the Holocaust. Start telling people you’re a big Jared Fogle fan, and that “he didn’t do anything that all of us haven’t done at one time or another” (and keep insisting it, even when people look at you, horrified). Or go to another charity dinner and get even more hammered. I’m kind of liking the last one.

Lie low. The preferred choice for Steve Bartman, but then all you have out there is the embarrassing story. This seems like the worst response of all, other than my Holocaust denial suggestion.

Ever read The Bonfire of the Vanities? Sherman McCoy goes to a fancy party and basically bombs. He doesn’t know anyone, has nothing in common with the people, can’t think of anything to say. Then he and his mistress accidentally kill a guy and it winds up splashed all over the front page of the tabloids. Afterwards, his wife drags him to another party and the same people are there and suddenly all these society types who ignored him before can’t get enough of him. “Sherman McCoy, boy I sure have heard a lot about you!!!” Everyone starts fighting for his attention. It’s the best scene in the book. That could be you! Everyone will want to brag to their friends they know you. “Remember that ATL story last week about the guy who threw up on the philanthropist widow? I met that guy last weekend! We had a conversation!” Take advantage of it while the story is still fresh in people’s minds, before all that’s left are the online traces.

Ed. note: Above the Law regularly receives requests to “de-publish,” “un-publish,” or otherwise remove stories. As you can probably guess, we have received many, many such requests over the 10 years we have been in existence.

In order to deal with these requests consistently, and in keeping with journalistic best practices, we do not remove stories in their entirety. We believe in preserving the accuracy of the historical record. And if we were to remove the article about you, it would not be fair to the countless people who have made a request exactly like yours who we have refused over the years.

We are, however, happy to update or correct stories. If you have an update or correction, please feel free to send to us via email: tips@abovethelaw.com. We will review it and amend our story appropriately. Thank you.

gary-rossGary J. Ross opened his own practice, Jackson Ross PLLC, in 2013 after several years in Biglaw and the federal government. Gary handles corporate and securities matters for startups, large and small businesses, private equity funds, and investors in each, and also has a number of non-profit clients. You can reach Gary by email at Gary.Ross@JacksonRossLaw.com.

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