Food, Trademarks

Bad Italian Restaurant Writes Bad Cease & Desist Letter, Gets Demolished By Response

Food reviewer explains fair use to a corporate giant.

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Not Olive Garden pasta (via Getty Images)

For the record, I have no problem with the food at Olive Garden. It’s not particularly good, but if you’re in one of the many generic, suburban hellscapes that pockmark this great land, you can do far worse than Olive Garden. The food is passable and at least you get your daily dose of fat on the drenched breadsticks they hand you the moment you sit down. And the lunch deals aren’t bad either.

The way they’ve paid employees in debit cards so they can shift the administrative costs off their books and nickel and dime their poor employees out of their salaries on the other hand…

But some people really like Olive Garden, like Vincent “Vino” Malone, the blogger behind Olive Garden review site All of Garden. While most of us view the Olive Garden as an acceptable necessity, this writer is truly family there. Hey, every peg’s got a hole.

Unfortunately, the muckity-mucks at Olive Garden’s legal department have it in for All of Garden. I guess this is what happens when you diss the Asiago Garlic Alfredo (just kidding, he’s come around on it). After the completion of the restaurants Never Ending Pasta Bowl promotion, where All of Garden famously eats Olive Garden every day for every meal and yet somehow stays alive, Darden Restaurants — specifically brandenforcements@mm-darden.com — sent this threatening email suggesting legal action because All of Garden uses the word “Olive Garden” while producing reviews of “Olive Garden.”

Fair use may have taken a beating over the years, but at the very least it covers reviews. Olive Garden’s intimidation tactics may scare off most people posting their disdain for its lackluster product, but this time they managed to mess with the one person they didn’t expect — someone who likes their food.

After taking his plight to America’s number one purveyor of legal advice, Reddit, our blogger’s nerves were calmed and he penned a response email that would make some of our most seasoned cease & desist response authors proud, with pure, deserved condescension dripping from every word like it’s just been dipped in a Five Italian Cheese Fonduta:

Sponsored

from: Vino
to: brandenforcements@mm-darden.com
date: Wed, Jul 19, 2017 at 8:47 AM
Mr. Forcements — may I call you Branden? Since this an asynchronous mode of communication, I’m going to assume you are magnanimously acquiescing, and I will refer to you as Branden forthwith — I received your email yesterday.

I am not aware of any law against reviewing food and describing it using the name of the company from which it was procured. Some might even call it Nominative Fair Use. I have helpfully included a link to Wikipedia™, The Free Encyclopedia™, for more information on this concept, in case you are new. Just click on the blue words to access the HyperLink™, and you will be transported there in great haste.

Poor Branden might just be a bot that shoots off cease & desist letters any time it detects “Olive Garden” appearing enough on someone’s site. It’s certainly a bad faith effort to chill entirely legal commentary, but they don’t hand out sanctions for merely threatening frivolous lawsuits. If you think that gives deep-pocketed entities an unfair advantage in extrajudicially policing the behavior of every day non-lawyers then… well, keep quiet about it! That’s a pretty big part of our industry’s business model.

Perhaps you are asking me to take down my blog entirely. In doing so, Darden Corporation would commit its largest crime against humanity since they started charging extra for toppings. Seriously, $2.99 for two lousy meatballs? And you’re saying I ripped you off?

Please respond within nine (9) days, in limerick form.

Wishing the whole Forcements family a pleasant day

If we see a limerick soon, we’ll update. If you’re bored and want to volunteer your services as Darden’s outside limerick counsel, send them our way. I’ll be sure to forward them to Mr. Forcements.

UPDATE: We’ve gotten our first limerick! This one from Dean Alterman of Folawn Alterman & Richardson LLP. He thinks Darden should concede gracefully:

Sponsored

We’re sorry we got hot and sweaty,
Your blog throws us praise like confetti.
Your use of our name
Will add to our fame
So continue to laud our spaghetti.

And another:

Please accept Branden’s retraction
For you’ve committed no real infraction,
Our legal teams cross
‘Cause they’re lost in the sauce,
This was all just an over-reaction

-Anonymous

(Darden’s original email is on the next page. All of Garden’s response is available here.)

Is Olive Garden about to hit me with a neverending bowl of lawsuits? [Reddit]
An unfortunate misunderstanding [All Of Garden]

Earlier: The Most Epic Lawyer Response Ever To A Porn Star Threatening To Sue

HeadshotJoe Patrice is an editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news.

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