* The joke’s on North Korea: you can’t hack the D.C. Circuit because they still use Commodore 64s. [The Volokh Conspiracy / Washington Post]
* Court says Muslim can’t take the oath on a Koran. I mean, isn’t this that special time of year where people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ? [Religion Clause]
* The least efficient armed robbery ever nets pennies. If one of these guys drops a dime on the others guys he’d actually be coming out ahead. [Legal Juice]
* Christmas wishes revolving mostly around Agent Carter and Star Wars. My only Star Wars wish is for a stand-alone Admiral Ackbar movie, but we’re not going to get it. [The Legal Geeks]
If these allegations are true, perhaps partners aren’t being paid enough?
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* “Instead of ordering the Marshal to permit a desegregated Christmas party at the Court, the Court hosted no party at all.” Justice Felix Frankfurter wrote in his diary of the SCOTUS Christmas party that never was due to the high court’s unspoken racism. [Supreme Court Brief]
* We know of at least one lawyer who may be receiving a lump of coal in her stocking. A former partner of two major New York City firms allegedly stole millions of dollars from them to live a life of luxury. We’ll have more on this later today. [Bergen Record]
* Since “interest in law schools [is] dwindl[ing] nationally,” the easiest cost-cutting measure comes in the form of faculty buyouts at another school. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game, law professors. It’s a “necessary” evil these days. [The Advocate]
* President Obama is going to nominate Sally Quillian Yates, U.S. Attorney for the Northern District of Georgia, for the position of deputy attorney general. If confirmed, there’ll be two women at the top of the DOJ. Yay! [Miami Herald]
* Guess who just got promoted to partner at Boies Schiller & Flexner? It’s none other than Joshua Schiller, the son of the firm’s cofounder and managing partner. Aww. That’s the most precious thing ever. We just want to pinch his cheeks. [Am Law Daily]
* Before you submit your law school applications, you should probably make sure that you’ve read and followed all of the instructions, because just in case you forgot, you’re applying to follow instructions for a living. [Law Admissions Lowdown / U.S. News]
Everyone is talking about the Serial podcast; does it live up to the hype?
Where would you rather be charged with a crime, Canada or North Korea? The more we chisel away at the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, the less clear the answer becomes.
* Thanks to a former Skadden attorney’s failed attempt to kill himself, police were able to retrieve a suicide note — entitled “A Sad Ending to My Life” — that revealed the lawyer’s $5M Ponzi scheme. We may have more on this later. [Am Law Daily]
* “I’m not one who believes there are too many lawyers in the country,” says Dean Thomas Guernsey of Thomas Jefferson Law. Conveniently, only 29% of TJSL’s ’13 grads are working in full-time, long-term jobs as lawyers. Kudos! [U-T San Diego]
* The government just paid the least amount of money to legal services contractors since 2008. As far as Biglaw firms are concerned, Curtis Mallet-Prevost posted “significant losses,” receiving $2M less than it did in 2013. [National Law Journal]
* Because not everyone wears gas masks, a federal judge issued a temporary restraining order to keep police from using tear gas on peaceful protestors in Ferguson without first issuing “clear and unambiguous warnings.” [WSJ Law Blog]
* Ladies and gentlemen, this is the main event of the evening! IT’S TIME! FIGHTING out of the blue corner, angry UFC combatants who are planning to use “renowned” antitrust firms to secure “hundreds of millions of dollars”! [Bloody Elbow / SB Nation]
* A student at Barry Law claims someone stole her phone and used it to call an African-American blogger an N-word on Instagram. We’ll have more on this believable story later. [Miami Herald]
* Mark Wahlberg wants to be pardoned for a crime committed before he was known as Marky Mark. He should also consider asking to be pardoned for The Happening and Planet of the Apes. [CNN]
* The job market was flat last month, and in 2014, the legal sector lost 3,000 jobs. Don’t worry, you’ll get a job eventually, per the hopes and prayers of your career services employees. [Am Law Daily]
* Shine bright like A. Diamond: Howrey’s bankruptcy trustee says he’ll have a confirmed creditor-repayment plan “well before” the end of next year. [WSJ Law Blog]
* iF*ckedUp? The last named plaintiff in the Apple iPod class action may not have bought an iPod during the time period at issue in the suit. [Bits / New York Times]
* We suppose that with new tech comes new logos, because Covington & Burling is dropping the “& Burling” for global branding purposes. [National Law Journal]
Maybe, just maybe, there are too many laws.
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* “[I]t’s hard to find anybody as handsome as Antonin Scalia.” Some would beg to differ, but as it turns out, legal scholar Bryan Garner can brown-nose with the best of them. [WSJ Law Blog]
* In a lawsuit filed against real estate database Zillow, a former employee claims she was subjected to the “most heinous acts of sexual harassment imaginable” and “sexual torture.” That’s just lovely. [LAist]
* Law firm merger activity is still going strong as 2014 winds down to a close. Aside from big-name tie-ups like Bingham / Morgan Lewis and Locke Lord / Edwards Wildman, other firms like Verill Dana also had the urge to merge. [Am Law Daily]
* “Does it really surprise me? Not all that much.” University of Memphis School of Law students are on high alert during finals time after one of their own was almost robbed at gunpoint across the street from campus this week. Yikes. [WMC Action News 5]
* In case you’ve been sleeping under a rock, Above the Law’s managing editor, David Lat, wrote a book called Supreme Ambitions (affiliate link), and it’s been receiving rave reviews. If you dig clerkship lit, you should try to check it out. [National Law Journal]
Who knew John Roberts could lay down sick rhymes like these?
Alecia Schmuhl, the alleged brains behind the attack, apparently has a history of making threats against law firm bosses.
* What’s happening to all the Bingham partners that are not joining Morgan Lewis? Here’s the latest on the lateral moves of “the Forgotten.” [Reuters (sub. req.)]
* “Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” That’s not at all what police said after throwing a guy in jail for brandishing a banana. [CBS News]
* Is it possible to save the Supreme Court from partisanship? [Bloomberg Politics]
* You think you had a ritzy Thanksgiving dinner? Well, some jackholes somewhere spent $35,000 for a Thanksgiving dinner devoted to conspicuous consumption in a world of inequity. [Daily Kos]
* Shearman & Sterling’s Richard Hsu continues his wonderful podcast on the lives of lawyers, this week chatting with Sean Patrick Butler, Sr. Corporate Counsel at Cisco, about Butler’s decision to live two hours away from San Francisco to live the rural life. [Hsu Untied]
* This guy is compiling stats on bar exam testing patterns. He’s got some California data up already. Perhaps with some reader contributions, he can get widespread coverage. [Bar Exam Stats]
* When it comes to legal scholarship, women are earning more citations than men according to one study. There are a lot of caveats to be had, but it looks like the law has one, finite area where the gender gap is narrow. [TaxProf Blog]
* One-third of lawyers are taking on more pro bono work these days. Good for them. [Robert Half Legal]
Somebody needed to cross-examine Darren Wilson’s testimony. I do what I can.
* “Have a taste of this. It will do you good in so many ways.” Louisa Moritz, one of Bill Cosby’s alleged victims, is interested in filing a class-action lawsuit against the comedian. [Fox News Latino]
* If you’re interested, here’s all of the testimony and evidence that was presented to the grand jury that resulted in no true bill for Darren Wilson in the Michael Brown shooting. [Associated Press]
* HBO hired a team of 160 lawyers to look at its film adaptation of Lawrence Wright’s book about Scientology. The power of thetans compels them to keep churning that bill, baby. [Hollywood Reporter]
* “The Constitution is not a math problem,” but it seems like the Supreme Court is playing a numbers game when it comes to its decisions having to do with same-sex marriage. What’s the magic number for SCOTUS to take a case? [New York Times]
* It’s official: Morgan Lewis has gobbled up most of Bingham McCutchen ahead of the Thanksgiving holiday. Stick a fork in it, because Morgan Lewis is done — it’s now stuffed full of more lawyers than any other firm in the country. [Philadelphia Inquirer]
* Emerson Briggs III, an ex-partner at Hunton & Williams, is facing disbarment in D.C. over the child pornography he downloaded at work. Oh, how the mighty have fallen: he’s been working as a paralegal since being disbarred in New York. [Legal Times]
* Patricia Nesci, a law firm secretary, allegedly forged a judge’s signature on an order to show cause to keep herself from being evicted from her home earlier this month. She apparently did not get a Biglaw-style bonus from her former firm. [Syracuse.com]
* Before you submit your applications, you should try creating a budget to see just how financially screwed you’ll be during and after law school, and then compare it to your pre-law school budget. Try not to cry. [Law Admissions Lowdown / U.S. News]
It’s too much to ask that black people don’t get shot to death. But after the shooting, how do we make charges stick?
* Deep in the heart of Texas, a judge refused to dismiss Gov. Rick Perry’s felony case over a silly technicality in the underlying paperwork concerning the special prosecutor’s oath of office. [CNN]
* This lawyer got a spanking for including a noncompete in an associate’s contract that said he wouldn’t be able to practice the same type of law for two years. [Legal Profession Blog via ABA Journal]
* UVA Law came in at #7 in the Graduate Programs ranking of the 50 best law schools, but the the school doesn’t “focus on year-to-year fluctuations in rankings.” Keep those collars popped high. [Cavalier Daily]
* “I’m hopeful that we’ll get our Tracy back, the guy everyone loves.” Tracy Morgan’s lawyer says the comedian’s crash with a Wal-Mart truck this summer has left him with a traumatic brain injury. [Bloomberg]
* After its giant, website-crashing sale debacle earlier this month, someone decided to file a class-action suit against Sephora for discriminating against Asian customers whose accounts were blocked. [Reuters]