Courts

Hobbit Law Cited In Wacky Trump-Loving Lawsuit To Overturn Election

This may fly in the Shire, but not in Waco, sir.

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Frodo: What news of the outside world? Tell me everything.

Gandalf: Everything? Far too eager and curious for a hobbit, most unnatural. Well what can I tell you? Life in the wide world goes on much as it has this past age, full of its own armed insurrections and deranged election challenges. Scarcely aware of the existence of law… for which I am very thankful.

How has the age of 2021 gone for Paul Davis? Let’s recap:

Jan. 1, 2021: Beginning a new year as Assistant General Counsel at Goosehead Insurance.
Jan. 6, 2021: Participates in storming of United States Capitol.
Jan. 7, 2021: Former Assistant General Counsel at Goosehead Insurance.
Jan. 18, 2021: Files insane election challenge, Latinos for Trump et al. v. Pete Sessions et al. claiming that every member of the 117th Congress and Joe Biden barred from public office based on dubious election fraud claims (even the roughly 2/3rds of the Senate not elected this cycle? I guess?). And Mark Zuckerberg… something something.

So it’s been an eventful year so far.

And now he’s filed an amended TRO motion in the Western District of Texas and he decided to open it by establishing the high level of credibility the case is bringing to the court:

2. “Gondor has no King,” to invoke a very appropriate quote from the J.R.R. Tolkien epic classic, “Lord of the Rings.”

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You know who else doesn’t have a king? The United States. In fact, he addresses that later on citing the Declaration of Independence and noting, “Rather ironically, one could now easily insert ‘United States federal government’ in place of ‘King of Great Britain,’ which has ceased being accountable to its voting citizens.” No, you can’t. Maybe in D.C. where they are subject to taxation without representation.

But as for this Gondor thing, hear him out!

During the course of the epic trilogy, the rightful King of Gondor had abandoned the throne. Since only the rightful king could sit on the throne of Gondor, a steward was appointed to manage Gondor until the return of the King, known as “Aragorn,” occurred at the end of the story. This analogy is applicable since there is now in Washington, D.C., a group of individuals calling themselves the President, Vice President, and Congress who have no rightful claim to govern the American People. Accordingly, as set forth in the Proposed Temporary Restraining Order, as a remedy the Court should appoint a group of special masters (the “Stewards”) to provide a check [sic] the power of the illegitimate President until this Constitutional Crisis can be resolved through a peaceful legal process of a Preliminary Injunction Hearing and a jury trial on the merits.

Um… excuse me. Aragorn hadn’t abandoned the throne. The throne of Gondor was vacant from the death of King Eärnur, who passed without an heir in 2050 of the Third Age when Mardil Voronwë “the Steadfast” took on the role of Steward beginning a line of royal stewardship that lasted almost 1,000 years until the return of King Elessar Telcontar (whom this peasant deigns to call “Aragorn”) in 3019. Duh.

But look, he’s got concerns:

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The risk of the United State government descending into such an oppressive police state is tangible and imminent given the rampant cancel culture that has emerged to terminate and intimidate anyone who supported the previous administration combined with the powers granted to government agencies to spy on U.S. Citizens is a perfect storm for such a scenario. Internet searches regarding cancel culture will bring up headlines describing tangible fear from those on the political right of being eventually rounded up into Soviet-style gulags or “reeducation camps.”

That’s just how Stalin started, by telling Trotsky that his writing was busted and then the entire Politburo unfriending him on the Party messageboards (SocialismWithAHumanFacebook). It truly is a hop and skip from refusing to book someone on TV to repeatedly stabbing them in the skull with an ice pick.

So there are a lot of problems with this suit, but before tossing it aside, let’s consider that there is an expert witness lined up:

Furthermore, as set forth in the expert report of J.S. Vanderbol III entitled “Global Risk Analysis: Special Report”….

I stopped reading right there to check up on this J.S. Vanderbol III. The very first link is to the Texas Courts official list of “Vexatious Litigants.” So that’s how the expert report is going.

The only way Gondorian politics reads even close to analogous is to say that we just had a mad ruler with incredibly creepy relationships to his kids, sitting in an office he didn’t earn based on anachronistic rules and after refusing to make any effort to confront the mounting viral threat of orcs and Uruk-hai spreading over the land at an exponential rate he went out in a blaze of infamy paving the way for someone to come in and clean up the mess.

A day may come when this specious legal challenge fails, when the court forsakes the president who appointed it and breaks all bonds of Federalist Societyship, but it is not this day!

But it will almost definitely be very soon.

UPDATE: He’s made another filing… so check that out because he responds to people mocking his reliance on Middle-Earth’s legal analysis.

Check out the filing below (sometimes you have to hit refresh on your browser for it to show up).

Earlier: After Being Fired Over Capitol Insurrection, Lawyer Finds Legal Work Suing… Pretty Much Every Politician And Mark Zuckerberg
Associate General Counsel Was Part Of Yesterday’s Attempted Coup. He’s No Longer Associate General Counsel.

HeadshotJoe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.

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